Perfectionist

Johnny Jones, 21 November 2001

"Poor little rich kid." Have you ever heard that? Do you have a sense of how that could be true? He might have arcade-quality video games and the latest and greatest DVD, but that could be a substitute for time he would like to spend with his busy parents.

There can also be a poor little smart kid. I think I've heard this called being "Too smart for your own good." Being academically gifted doesn't automatically make a person happy. In fact, all blessings have a down side, from wealth to intelligence. And the child who is intelligent and a perfectionist thinker can find life cruel and hard.

"The Will to Grow" by Barbara Davis describes five areas where concerned parents and teachers can help children who are perfectionist thinkers.

1. Use good communication skills. It helps the child's thinking to describe behaviors rather than characterizing people. Instead of thinking "He's a slob," it would be more accurate to say, "His paper was messy today."

Be sure to emphasize how to think rather than what to think with these children. They get hung up on the "shoulds" and can turn off their mind. A person trying to help a child who is already into this thinking style should cut way back on giving finger-pointing guilt-producing lectures. Telling this child what he should have done after the fact is not usually productive.

Smiles and hugs and humor help a lot, too, since this child tends to be overserious. Chip calls this helping one another out. When things got awful at our house and the kids were little, he would say, "Go over there where she is; help her out!" Then it would be time for two of us to squeeze into our red rocker; that alone was enough to get hugs and humor started. And things always got better that way.

2. Teach the child good problem solving techniques. It's important to teach children that some questions don't have right or wrong answers. It's also good for this child to fail and see that the world doesn't end when he does; that he doesn't have to always be the best to be loved. She won't believe this if you don't let her see you fail and bounce back.

I think all of us want the best for our children. We want them to succeed, but not with such a mindset that means they are unhappy and worried all the time. We want our kids to use their minds and achieve. Like Chip said, we can help one another out so that we can get along and be loving and loved. Without perfectionism.

(The ideas in this article were used by permission of Barbara Davis)