Johnny's Corner
People Places Politics Principles Parenting Projects Paraphernalia Poetry
 

Limits

Johnny Jones, 19 April 2002

A philosophy of children affects how you treat them. Some folks believe in the Noble Savage idea of childhood: children are perfect when born, and are tainted and corrupted by their contact with the world. Their goal is to allow their children Total Freedom and to stay out of their child's way.

A second group believes the opposite: Children are born little terrors, and the bad has to be beaten or otherwise coaxed out of them, so they can become decent and civilized. I'm happy to say this idea is rare among people I know.

I find the Garden Idea more realistic: Children are plants who need pruning and weeding. They need help to develop persistence, space to develop creativity.

People who espouse the first idea don't believe in "imposing" limits on their children. Actually, I`ve noticed that children seek limits. When short on limits, they set their own. Haven't you seen children play using complicated self-made rules? "Barry goes after Tonya 'cause she's little, and then Adam 'cause he's next oldest. Wait 'til she kicks to run, then go around the tree three times."

With children, actions speak louder than words. I almost tripped over a little girl on our way into the doctor's office one day when Amy was about 8 years old. Her mother, from her seat, yelled in a grating voice, "Jessica, don't stand there in the door."

It was hard for me to hear the book Amy was reading aloud for a barrage of words like, "Jessica, come away from that baby. You know you're sick." or "Jessica, don't go in there. We'll see the doctor soon." Finally Jessica came over and started hitting the book Amy was reading. I took her little hands in mine and said, "No. You may not do that." And Jessica quit.

If Jessica's mother believed in Total Freedom, she didn't attain it. The little girl needed someone to tell her what she would be allowed to do, and the consequences for disobeying. "Jessica, you may stay in this area. If you go past that chair near the door or the coat rack over there, you will have to stay seated here with me instead of wandering around. Also, you may not touch other people or their things."

Limits teach values. "You may not go near that baby. You are sick and the baby could get your germs," can teach a child concern for others. Limits can promote an awareness of self and others.

A research project studied the response of children to the physical limit of a fence. Children who had a fence would go right up to the fence and look around. Children with no fence didn't go out as far; they seemed unsure where their limits ended and felt less secure. The researchers concluded limits can promote creativity and freedom.

Children need freedom within structure. Limits free a child to explore and enjoy.

Jessica's mother finally got tired. "I don't care if are sick. You're a little brat today," she yelled in frustration. Jessica responded with tears.

Parents who try to provide Total Freedom for their children end up frustrated and tired and wondering why. Children respect parents who care enough to set limits, and savvy enough to understand that children sometimes need a parent's help to figure out what to do with themselves.

Limits need to be consistent with the child's development; they need to be enforced; they need to be fair. Limits can help a child learn about his world, can teach values, and can provide a basis for creativity.   Besides, "Total freedom is total emptiness."

We want to grow and invest in the children the Lord has given us. Setting limits is a way to say, "I care about you."  Because most of us do care, deeply and so strongly. We really love our kids.