Independence

Johnny Jones, 15 July 2003

Everything around us blares at us that kids are okay on their own. We are assured that our children are more capable than their clueless parents. If our primary goal child-rearing is to "let go" of our children, not to be an interfering parent, to launch our children towards independence, there are results.

The independence idea started out as a reaction against authoritarianism that felt too tight and close. But it has morphed. Now, rather than struggling with too-strict parents or stifling mothers, many children suffer from neglect. And with all we're expected to do, sometimes it can be convenient to believe that our children don't really need our help.

For parents who are involved in their own lives and up to their tonsils in pressure and stress, this can be a comforting thought: Kids are okay on their own. They don't need more than the basics - food and clothes and a bed. Besides that, we are taught that day care (and school), along with the TV and video games and things we buy for them, can take care of them. They'll be fine. They can do it themselves. It's the norm.

This idea, that children are capable and need independence more than they need care and training, takes away from parents the authority andthe responsibility of child-rearing. The result is that many children look uncared for. Walk through Wal-Mart. So now we worry about kids who are too polite, too punctual, too well-behaved, too close to their parents.

Has this idea, that children should be independent, played to our convenience? The message which some parents give their children, is: "You are being inconvenient to me. Stop asking things of me. Be quiet so that I can continue my life the way I want without you interrupting or inconveniencing me." In essence, children are asked, "Why can't you conform to the image of not needing anything? I know you can really act like an adult and understand when you're being a hassle. So hurry up and start acting like an adult and understanding that Mommy doesn't want to be asked about the earthworms when she's having a conversation with an adult!"

One of my young friends who was expecting her first child said, "I can't wait to have my body back." And she was eagerly anticipating having their baby. This baby was wanted, prayed for.

The issue is not whether some parents are neglectful. That has always been true. The issue is whether parents are supported or criticized in this stand - in essence, where society is leading them, and whether what weâre telling them is true and helpful to them in parenting their children.

I wonder if we've gone from the abuse of authoritarianism to the abuse of neglect. Because we believe our kids to have the capabilities and needs of adults, we demand them to be un-needy, so that we can continue to have our lives.

Our concept of giving kids rights has stripped them of the joy of being children. They don't get to share their lives with their parents. They have to figure life out themselves.

But what if they're not totally OK on their own? What if they need us more than we know? What if the idea in the Bible, that parents should train, instruct, and discipline our kids was right all along? What if our adult pursuits at the office and the gym and the golf course are less important than nurturing and protecting our children?

Whoa!