Coaches

Johnny Jones, November 1993

I discovered something about myself within the past month: My computer is the closest thing I have to an addiction. Doing without it for a couple of weeks was really hard.

Part of what I did when I got my computer home was to go through the big pile of things waiting to be done. After writing the immediate letters, I noticed a deeper pile of articles. These were clippings I always planned to use in a column.

The one called "Learning by Intimidation?" was published in Newsweek almost a year ago. It's about coaches and kids, and is written by a mother whose children are in a sports program.

One reason I put off writing about this article was that I realize sports are sacred to a lot of people. The joke in Alabama when I was growing up was that an atheist was one who didn't believe in George Wallace or Bear Bryant. Bear appeared in Forrest Gump; he was 'Bama's legendary coach.

And I didn't want anyone to think I was trying to make a point about a coach in the area. We have not been involved recently enough in the sports program to know! When our kids were involved, years ago, their coaches were not unkind to them, even though they were far (very far!) from the most talented athletes. I assume that's still the case.

So, with these disclaimers and some trepidation, I want to share parts of this article with you.

Rosemary Parker begins her article this way: "His narrowed eyes burn like hot little coals, and he screams through clenched teeth, his face thrust into hers. She's young and scared and stands with head hung....Even in her obvious distress she's practiced and automatically leans back a bit from time to time to avoid the spray of spit he spews as he spells it out for her: she's stupid, lazy and worthless."

The first time Ms. Parker witnessed this scene it alarmed her so much she thought about intervening. But the girl's mother was there and did nothing, so she didn't, either. Then it was her own daughter. "Hey, if he were her boyfriend or her husband I like to think I'd be there in his face, or at least on the phone to social services trying to find counseling help." But, since this was her coach, she did what her daughter beseeched her to do: Nothing.

"What's going on here? In any other scenario, wouldn't this behavior be stopped? Haven't we agreed that abuse and humiliation are not appropriate instructional aids? And isn't it especially chilling to allow--to encourage--our daughter to accept such treatment at the hands of a man, to shrug it off....In any case, isn't it necessary to kids to learn how to perform well under stress?

"Actually not even the armed forces buys the old stress routine anymore, and drill instructors have been told to cool it a bit. Fraternity hazing is frowned upon and it's no longer tacitly acceptable to beat your wife or kids. I can't think of any other situation in which a collection of nice, middle-class parents would sit quietly by while an adult publicly reduced their children to tears.

"I hate the way it works and I haven't gotten used to it. I still cringe along with the kids and sometimes can't bear to watch. I'm angry with myself for failing to challenge a wrong when my gut insists I should."

It's considered naive and unsophisticated in the world of sports to bring up these kinds of questions. But perhaps we should. I'm not advocating lowering standards of discipline. I think learning teamwork and hard work are values sports build into many young lives. That's good!

But those "goods" do not necessitate nor validate an adult's behaving badly towards his young charges. I would hate to think what would happen had I spoken to kids in my class the way this coach spoke to the girls! I have been teaching on many levels, from pre-school to college, for almost twenty years, and I don't ever remember telling a student she was stupid or lazy or worthless. And I must tell you, I have had as much concern about shaping lives as any coach.

But, you may say, those are the coaches that win. I do not accept that. There are too many exceptions; you know them, too. But, even if I did, let me ask you this. Is winning more important than the personality and character development of kids? I hope you don't think it is. I certainly don't, even though winning is a lot more fun than the alternative. A winning team can boost kids' self-image and unite a community. Those windy roads on the way back from Belle or Lesterville are a lot longer when you lose than when you win. Winning is a good thing.

But it's easy to get out of perspective. Let's not let that happen. Our kids matter too much.

quotes from Newsweek 11/8/93

2017 Note:  I just read an article that sounds so much like this one!  The problem has not disappeared.